Tarmon GridIron
by SugoiByoshin
Summary: Unrated Version with an Alternate Ending! Heck, it works with movies. The football game between good and evil, actually more like, evil with a reason against evil just because, is finally concluded...COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Prologue-

The wind blows across the Rahad, bringing dust and terrible odors with it, slamming maliciously into Rand al'Thor's face in Kandor. He coughs and gags as the wind flees cackling away and Perrin looks over from his horse,

"Are you alright, buddy? We haven't even made it to the Blight! You can't die yet! The Light will fall to the Shadow, oh no!" Perrin hugs his arms around his horse's neck dreadfully.

"Quiet yourself, Perrin." Rand finally stops coughing and turns his head, looking out over his massive army. Hundreds of Aes Sedai, some Seanchan, the Band of the Red Hand, Perrin's useless boys from the Two Rivers, as well as Faile's even stupider bunch and the few Asha'man that didn't go with Taim to take over Shara.

"I have to do what no one expects." Rand convinces himself as he looks out upon them. Hope is plastered to their faces and their blades are prepared to die for the sake of the Light. Poor bastards. Mat's terrified gasp brings Rand swinging his head back to the North and he realizes it has begun as he feels the Gateway wink out.

Moridin and the massive forces of evil have all Traveled to Kandor where they knew Rand would be attacked by the wind. He would be stopped and distracted, a perfect time for attack. The Forsaken, some Black Ajah, and then some Darkfriend cannon fodder.

"Rand al'Thor, what shall we do?" Sulin asks from below him, standing beside his left stirrup. Rand looks to Mat and motions for him to lower the Horn of Valere from his mouth and Mat pouts.

"Stop putting hard things in your mouth, Mat." Rand then looks down at Sulin and smirks, "I will handle this, Sulin, don't cry for me." Rand heels his horse forwards and Moridin does the same, trotting away from his tremendous army. Rand looks over his shoulder, a tear forming in his eye and his brave men frown sympathetically towards his fate.

"Rand al'Thor, I have waited too long." Moridin barks viciously and unsheathes his heron-mark blade from his back. He leaps down from his black war-horse and Rand does the same, ripping the blade that Aviendha stole for him from his scabbard.

"You're going to regret…doing what you did, Moridin!" Rand leaps forwards, but Moridin dodges underneath. Rand smoothly glides into Monkey eats Banana which meets Banana becomes one with the Earth which transforms into Dog buries Bone which becomes Bone enters Woma—

"Your hesitation will cost you!" Moridin yells and elbows Rand in the side, re-opening the never healing pulsing wounds and Rand's ululating groan echoes throughout the lands. The Forces of Light all lean forwards hopefully and the Forces of Dark lick their lips maliciously.

"Is this the end!" Thom yells out in dread and Noal nods his head as he moves his last stone, defeating him. Thom throws the board away and scowls, looking towards the battle and blows out his mustaches, "When did Rand start fighting?"

Rand looks up from the ground with blood staining his forehead and Moridin thrusts his blade downwards!- but misses.

"Now!" Rand yells as Moridin's blade slams into the ground beside his ear and Moridin nods, thrusting his hand downwards. Rand takes it and is pulled back to his feet and both men embrace Saidin, allowing the rushing torrent to fill each other.

"Not like that, we're not filling _each other_…" Moridin clarifies and Rand nods hesitantly, as he reaches into his pants and pulls out his Choedan Kal, "I don't wanna touch that." Moridin and Rand link using the powerful Sa'ang…uh, reh…um…leal, and they both channel.

To all that can't channel, the two men are simply holding hands, one holding his own rod, but all the women that can channel fall from their horses or if they're not on horses, they slump to the ground, and the ones already on lying on the ground, busy pillow friends mostly, stand up and throw themselves back down. Everyone looks around through confusion, wondering what has occurred in front of their eyes. Mat quickly places the Horn back to his mouth, but Talmanes slaps it away.

"That's right!" Rand yells from the center beside Moridin and all eyes rest on the two men, "All women here have now been knocked down to a level of new humility! The only reason Aes Sedai are powerful is because of the Power itself! You are nothing without it!"

"That's not true!" Egwene demands from beneath her horse, brushing the dirt from some dress she's wearing. Moridin bursts into laughter and Rand points his rod at her,

"Then prove it!" Thousands of gasps sound from the crowds, all the women knowing they can't prove their usefulness in the slightest.

"Are you going along with this, Moridin!" Mesaana skulks to the center and Moridin looks over his shoulder and nods,

"Of course I am. And do you know _how _you're going to prove you can do _anything_ without the Power?" Moridin asks and all ears open to listen.

"You're gonna play a game of football, ya biatches!" Rand announces and Cadsuane throws herself from her horse. Semirhage thrusts her fist into her open palm with a devious smirk and Berelain giggles,

"I am _so _gonna be a cheerleader."

"Each team will have ten players, picked by us to represent each side. The victors will be healed by Damer Flinn." Rand points to a very uncomfortable looking Damer Flinn, already being swarmed by Aes Sedai and Seanchan to heal them.

"Leave Damer alone!" Corele yells and Flinn smiles appreciatively at his bonded Aes Sedai, but her compassion transforms to rage,

"Heal me now, you oaf!" She charges and tackles him from his horse, slapping and clawing. Rand 'tsks' as he walks back to the forces of Light and Aviendha scowls at him,

"Why have you done this, Rand al'Thor? I'm useful aren't I?" Rand snickers and slaps her on the butt,

"Of course you are, babe. Wanna be Wide Receiver?" She immediately nods her head and Rand looks around the Aes Sedai, sizing up the positions.

"I should be Quarter Back!" Siuan rushes forwards at Rand, but Elaida tackles her before she reaches him,

"I'm the real Amyrlin Seat!" Siuan and Elaida wrestle viciously across the grass, losing clothing along the way, but no one bothers watching.

"Egwene, you're QB." Rand announces and Egwene steps forwards and salutes,

"You have faith in me, Rand?"

"Nope," Rand laughs, "I just wanna see you get sacked over and over again." Egwene thrusts her arms out, trying to wrap him in flows of air and she pouts when she can't.

"Hey Rand, put in Sumeko." Mat suggests from his horse and Rand looks towards the group of Kin. Most of em are way too old to play football, but Sumeko and Kirstian seem spry enough,

"Sumeko, you're left guard." Sumeko sighs and nods shyly. Rand then looks for his Running Back. Someone evil and aggressive… "Nynaeve, you're our RB."

"Rand al'Thor, you wool-head! I don't take orders from you!" Nynaeve charges at him, but Rand holds his arms out and forms a wall of air. She slams right into it and bounds backwards.

"Betcha didn't see that coming!" Mat giggles from his horse and he high fives Nalesean who sits beside him.

Over at the Forces of Dark camp, Moridin finishes his free agent signing, finishing his team off with Delana as a reserve.

"Aight girls, it's time to suit up." Moridin snaps his fingers and Padan Fain crawls out from some brush holding a massive cardboard stasis box on his back,

"Aye, my master has called for me, yes?" He holds the box out in his scrawny fingers and Moridin pulls out the tight fitting black short shorts and the silver padded tank top.

"I'm not wearing that!" Lanfear demands and Moridin looks over his shoulder and winks at Rahvin. Rahvin snickers deviously and channels, using the WONDERFUL weave that explodes clothes, dress and shift together and Lanfear squeals.

"Playing naked is ok too, ya know." Moridin laughs and Semirhage cackles and speaks in her burlesque, deep voice,

"I can play naked!" Moridin grabs his swirling stomach and shakes his head rigorously,

"Anyone except you!"


	2. Take the Blue Pill

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Mat and Rahvin sit in the announcer's booth in the massive football stadium erected in the Plain of Lances, created on short notice by Loial and some of his Ogier boys.

"Mad props, Loial!" Mat speaks into his headpiece and Rahvin nods his head, looking down upon the field.

"We'd like to welcome everyone to Tarmon Grid-Iron, the football game to decide the fate of the world. Cuz I'm pretty sure whichever group of women gets their power back, we'll have to hide underground for a long-ass time."

"Oh definitely," Mat pipes in, "But luckily, it's Rand and Moridin who will get most of the grief. Anyway, it's time for the starting lineups." Music starts up from somewhere and crowd cheers as Perrin emerges from underground, entering the field at the 50 yard line which has a big picture of the Dragon Banner painted onto the grass.

Perrin holds a massive megaphone and speaks with a powerful deep voice,

"The team for the Forces of Light, coached and managed by Rand al'Thor, we have the Light _Sabers_!" The seven starting women rush onto the field from the left, wearing yellow and white uniforms which expose much skin, designed by Mat of course.

"Oooooh yea!" Thom yells from his 50 yard line seat, sitting beside Noal and Rhuarc, all of them wearing their pants around their ankles.

"Get naked already!" Noal hoots and hollers as he takes his blue pill and passes the container to Thom who passes it to Rhuarc.

"Egwene, one of the biatches that could have been cool, but became a whore later on at QB, Nynaeve the braid tugger at RB, and the three Wide Receivers include bipolar Aviendha, the enticing Leane for, and Morraine who became bearable ten seconds before she disappeared, eh, who cares she's back. And for the two Guards, Sumeko and Kiruna, the big queen looking gargantuan who took four innocent men from their homes! And in reserve, know it all Cadsuane, her know it all apprentice Elayne, and some chick named Elza who I wouldn't trust with a potato, but Rand has no judge of character. That's the Light _Sabers_, ladies and gentlemen!"

The forces of Light cheer, not for their representatives, but mostly for Leane, Elayne, Aviendha and Morraine wearing the hot outfits. Min and Berelain cheer as they shake their juicy pom-poms and their sparkly hand-held streamers.

"The team just doesn't seem balanced." Rahvin scratches his head up in the booth and Mat looks over,

"What'da ya mean, Rahv?"

"They're all top heavy. What's to stop them from just tipping over? Not that I'm complaining…"

"The underdogs are out of the way!" Perrin yells and points to the right side of the field, "Now for Dark _Lordz_!" The seven women strut onto the field led by Moridin and the Forces of Light 'boo', but their weak 'boos' are overpowered by the Trollocs and Fades cheering. The Gray men attempt to clap, but their hands phase through each other.

"Who else could be QB other than the babe that made thousands of Choedan Kal stand at attention as Selene…Lanfear!" Perrin announces and Lanfear shakes her booty at the crowd, causing more attention standing, "The three wide receivers are Moghedien, pouty mouth Liandrin, and Mesaana! Semirhage mirrors Nynaeve as Running Back and the Guards are Dumais Well own, Galina and Katerine! In reserve are Graendal, Delana, and sneaky Alviarin."

"Now that's a team of aggressive women." Rahvin smirks from the booth and Mat shrugs his shoulders,

"Liandrin might be good for a hit or two, and I'm not touching Lanfear from fear of burning myself, but the others. Gag!"

"The coin toss in a moment folks," Rahvin says excitedly, "But first our sponsors from Ryne Venamar's Magic Hair Gel have a message for you."

The camera pans away to an empty wall, then back again to Rahvin who squirts some blue gel into his hands and slicks his hair back,

"It's me! Pimp-tastic yo! If ya want Domani and Saldeans, use Ryne Venamar's Magic Hair Gel!" He points both hands at the camera and winks with a debonair smirk, "And now the toss!"

Perrin tosses his megaphone away and awaits Egwene and Lanfear to walk to the 50 yard line. He looks to both of them and then decides allowing Lanfear to call it will save him from pain,

"In the air, Ms. Lanfear…please, if you want to."

"Just toss it!" Lanfear demands and Perrin swallows and tosses the gold Tar Valon mark into the air. They all watch as it spirals down, but a messenger pigeon swoops down and snatches it away.

"Muahahahahaha!" Juilin Sandar stands at the top of the bleachers and awaits the pigeon to land on his wrist, "I'm a thief catcher, not a thief! Oh right, I am! Peace!" Juilin jumps over the rail and falls fifty yards onto his horse and rides away into the day.

"We've already been robbed by a black guy." Rahvin says from the booth and Mat sighs,

"So the Tairens _are_ black, I knew it!"

"Uhhh, I think Lanfear would have won anyways." Perrin says at the toss location and Lanfear nods her head,

"I have decided, we shall receive."

"No kiddin." Perrin says through the obvious, but clears his throat when Lanfear glares at him. He quickly puts the football at the 30 yard line and runs to the sideline.

"The Light _Sabers _are bringing Elayne out to kick the ball," Mat announces as she walks across the field with her chin held high, barely seeing where she is going, "Why they picked her, I have no idea."

Perrin blows his whistle and Elayne rushes forwards, leading the Light _Sabers_ towards the ball. She brings her foot back and slams forwards, kicking the ball as powerfully as she can, sending the ball sailing through the air…ten yards.

Rahvin bursts into tears through laughter, holding his stomach,

"She should have chin-kicked it!" Liandrin rushes to recover the ball and Semirhage and Katerine block her. Egwene leaps forwards and is slapped away by Semirhage, sending her tumbling across the ground. Aviendha rushes forwards next and kicks Katerine in the legs, tripping her violently.

"That's gotta be a penalty!" Mat demands from the booth and Perrin grabs his yellow flag, but Rand shakes his head with a glare. Perrin clears his throat and removes his hand,

"I'll allow it."

Nynaeve finally drags Liandrin to the ground at the 10 yard line and the Dark forces of the crowd cheer and the Light forces 'boo' the sobbing Elayne off the field.

"Now the fun begins, ladies and gents!" Mat announces and Rahvin nods his head,

"Hell yea, my pizza's here!" Demandred slumps into the booth holding a large pizza and Rahvin snatches it away,

"Look at the little non-Nae'blis bitch!" Demandred sniffles and Rahvin kicks him out the door snickering.

"Ah, Rahv, I said no _Grolm_ eyes!" Mat complains and Rahvin cackles as he squirts some Ryne Venemar hair gel onto his pizza slice.

The two teams line up at the 10 yard line, most of the Light _Sabers_ shivering and the Dark _Lordz_ glare fiercely. Mesaana hikes the ball to Lanfear and Galina and Katerine rush forwards to block. Nynaeve rushes forwards for the sack, but Galina tackles her to the ground. Lanfear then stiff arms Egwene in the face and tosses the ball to Liandrin in a screen.

Sumeko stands right in front of her, but freezes and doesn't move.

"Tackle her, dumbass!" Aviendha yells, but Sumeko shakes her head,

"I can't tackle an Aes Sedai!" Aviendha groans and attempts to rush over as Liandrin cackles and breaks for the end zone. Kiruna leaps for her, but Semirhage grabs the other woman around the torso and suplexes her to the ground.

"I called it! Suplex in the First Quarter!" Rahvin cheers, "Booya!"

Liandrin easily rushes into the end zone with Morraine and Leane standing still and not moving one way or another and the Dark forces of the crowd cheer. Min and Berelain lower their pom-poms frowning,

"It's okay girls, we'll stop them next time!"

Moridin looks around for his team's cheerleaders and spots Aran'gar hiding behind Gatorade Coolers,

"Hey, Aran, get out there and cheer!" Aran'gar shakes her head angrily and crosses her arms,

"I'm a man damnit! I refuse to put on a skirt!"

"Boys can be cheerleaders!" Aram asks excitedly and rushes from the sideline to Berelain and Min wearing a yellow and white skirt, "Woohoo! C'mon, bring on the cheers, girls!"


	3. Who's Yo Daddy

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

A/N: I would like to apologize to Moiraine for misspelling her name, hehe.

The Dark _Lordz _easily score the extra point with a kick from Semirhage's powerful, sinewy leg and the teams line up for the kick off.

"Let me receive the ball," Egwene orders and Nynaeve scowls at her, but quickly turns away. Cadsuane runs onto the field, waving her hands in everyone's faces,

"In my humble opinion, you should generate the play I created, what happens is that I—"

"Get off the field!" Aviendha yells, veiling herself, and chases Cadsuane back to the sideline.

"Five thousand silver pennies that Semirhage's kick goes further than Elayne's." Rahvin laughs from the booth as he eats his pizza and Mat high fives him,

"Decrepit old Noal could kick further than her!"

"Who you call'n decrepit, sonny!" Noal yells from his seat at the 50 yard line, shaking his bony fist.

"Let it go, Noal, we've got more important things to 'handle'." Thom answers and Rhuarc bursts into laughter,

"Hehehe, you wetlanders' sexual innuendo is _so_ enjoyable."

Perrin blows the whistle and ball launches through the air in a burning spiral. All eyes look up to the watch with open mouths and the Dark _Lordz_ rush forwards furiously, laughing maniacally.

"I've got it!" Moiraine calls and takes a step forwards, but as the ball dives downwards, she dodges away from it. The ball lands in the end zone and Leane grabs it but squirms,

"Ugh, I don't want anything rough on my smooth, smooth hands." She throws the ball away and Aviendha slaps her own forehead,

"Someone pick it up and down it! Don't let the other team—" Sumeko tosses the ball to Aviendha and her eyes widen as every member of the Dark _Lordz_ leap onto her.

"Ooooh, that looked painful." Mat cringes and Rahvin looks over and laughs,

"You wussy. People die in football, it's part of the game."

"Serious?"

"Hell if I know, I'm eat'n." Rahvin takes another bite and Mat looks back down to the field.

Luckily the Light _Sabers _get the ball at the 20 yard line and Aviendha is still alive. Kiruna hikes the ball to Egwene and she back steps quickly as Katerine and Galina rush forwards. Sumeko jumps away in terror but Kiruna growls and rushes forwards to block. Egwene quickly hands the ball to Nynaeve and she rushes forwards.

"Oh, a handoff! Exactly what I had planned!" Cadsuane cackles from the sideline and Rand looks over and exhales, regretting allowing her on the team.

Nynaeve rushes down the left side of the field, flailing her braid crazily as defenders charge at her. Moghedien and Liandrin both get a braid across the face and Min and Berelain begin shaking their pom-poms vigorously.

"Give me an N!" Berelain yells and Aram shakes his head and slaps her wrist. Berelain pouts, tears working in her eyes and Aram scowls,

"You're doing it all wrong, now we're going to sit here all day until you get it right!"

Nynaeve is finally dragged down at the 50 yard line by Mesaana from behind and the Forces of Light cheer loudly.

"Good job, Nynaeve." Egwene pats her on the back and Nynaeve smiles through ecstasy,

"Really, Mother? You think I did well!"

"Seriously, what's wrong with you?" Egwene claps her hands, calling for the huddle and the seven women gather in a circle, heads together.

"Okay, this is what I suppose…" Egwene begins talking as boyish giggling is heard underneath.

"Oh, Slayer, you've outdone yourself this time." Sammael says from the post underground, beneath the Dragon Banner emblem on the 50 which just happens to be glass underneath. He, Slayer, and Daved Hanlon all have drinks and chips on the table beside them, and crane their necks to look up.

"I'm lovin those outfits, heehee." Daved tosses a dorito into his mouth and Slayer nods his head, leaning back comfortably,

"We'll be here all day, don't run out of snacks early or we'll have to eat Hopper."

"What?" The wolf brings his head out of a chip bag and Slayer bursts into laughter,

"I'm kiddin, buddy. Come enjoy some human women for a change."

"The braid is useful, but I dunno how much more abuse it can take." Mat wonders as Nynaeve rushes for another ten yards and is brought down by Lanfear's long smooth legs.

"I'd have to think the Dark _Lordz_ are becoming angry about now." Rahvin adds as he flicks a pepperoni off his slice.

"Hike!" Egwene tosses the ball to Nynaeve for the third time and being smart for once, the Dark Team anticipates the attack, uh, play. Galina and Katerine both jump at Nynaeve's feet, stopping her in her tracks and Semirhage bursts forwards and catches the flailing braid. The Forces of Light all gasp as Semirhage jerks the braid downwards and Nynaeve's groan echoes all the way to Shara.

"What was that?" Taim asks, surrounded by beautiful tattoo faced women in a massive dome of gold. Grady shrugs his shoulders indifferently, eating a two hundred pound steak and Kajima continues singing karaoke.

"Holy shiat, Nynaeve has just been scalped!" Mat yells as the squealing Nynaeve is dragged from the field and Semirhage dances around, waving her trophy in the air.

"That must really suck." Rahvin says as he runs his hands through his slick, fine black hair.

"Rand, who do you want to substitute in?" Bashere asks from the sideline and Rand studies his bench : Elayne, who is still crying from her pitiful kickoff, Cadsuane who waves her hands in air yelping annoyingly and Elza who waves a flag that says 'Go Dark _Lordz_' in the air.

"Elza, I can surely trust you. You're in." Rand points and Elza snickers viciously and rushes onto the field and Cadsuane hurls an orange cone at Rand's head, but he stops it with a flow of air,

"Don't overstep yourself."

"Sorry!" Cadsuane jumps underneath the bench and the next play begins.

"Hike!" Egwene pans back and Semirhage rushes forwards at her, but Kiruna rushes forwards and clotheslines her. Egwene snickers and throws the ball to Moiraine. Moiraine stops running up the field and holds her hands into the air, but the ball flies in between them and sails out of bounds.

"Why'd you stop!" Aviendha yells and Moiraine shrugs and walks slowly back to the huddle as the crowd boos her.

"I doubt she'll get the ball ever again." Mat says and Rahvin tosses the pizza box on the floor and belches,

"It just seems like Rand has set his team up for failure."

"Oh, no, really!" Mat asks sarcastically and Rahvin scowls.

"Hand the ball off to me!" Cadsuane rushes onto the field and Aviendha growls and chases her off again as Elza pulls the opposing team's tank top over her head.

"What are you doing?" Egwene asks and Elza quickly pulls it off and clears her throat,

"Just trying it on…"

"Do you want me to throw it to you?"

"Sure." Elza snickers and Egwene claps for the huddle.

"Hike!" Egwene immediately tosses the ball over to Elza and she rushes forwards, directly to Semirhage and Mesaana, bowing down,

"What do you wish of me, High Chosen?"

"Excellent." Mesaana rubs her hands together through snickers and Semirhage snatches the ball and rushes down the field.

"Wait, what just happened!" Egwene asks dumbfounded as the team watches Semirhage run down the field unblocked and Moiraine sighs annoyed and sneaks off the field. Aviendha flashes maiden hand talk to the Light Forces of the crowd and twenty veiled Maidens jump from the bleachers, sending Elza running and screaming the other way.

"Well you didn't see that coming." Rahvin laughs as Semirhage scores and Perrin blows the whistle, signaling the end of the First Quarter.

"What's the score, 14-0?" Mat asks, counting on his fingers and Rahvin nods,

"Yea, a big ole goose egg for the woooooonderful Light _Sabers_."

"Hey, Rahv, what came first? The goose or the egg?"

Rahvin rubs his chin pondering and then stands up violently,

"My foot!" Rahvin brings his boot down onto the egg beneath the desk and Mat shrieks, grabbing his mouth,

"You monster! I named him Olver!"

"But you named _me _'Olver'!" A big eared ten year old kid runs into the booth and Mat spins around with wide eyes,

"Olver!"

"Daddy!"

"Daddy?"

"DADDY!" Olver rushes forwards and Mat shakes his head and backs away,

"Noooo! I aintcho daddy! What you yell'n about!"

"You know what he's yell'n about!" A short, pudgy, big eared woman rushes into the booth and Mat cringes.

"I've been look'n for you a long time, Matrim, Mr. 'No Child Support'!" She yells and Mat's throat goes dry,

"I've never seen you before in my life."

"What about ten summers ago in Cairhien!"

"Ten summers ago? I was uh…uh, I was…ya know what?"

"What?" She asks acidly and Mat sighs and frowns,

"I know I haven't been there when I should have been, so I'm gonna say this next word as gently as possible…BALEFIRE!" Mat leaps to the ground as Rahvin launches a white beam of light from his finger and the short woman winks out of existence.

"Damn, Mat, you poor, poor soul. You know the mathematical equation to get hot babes right?"

"What's that?" Rahvin pops out his bottle and squirts blue gel into Mat's face,

"RYNE VENEMAR'S MAGIC HAIR GEL, BITCH!"


	4. Erotic Pepperoni Slices

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

"Before we start the Second Quarter, Else Grinwell has an injury report down on the field on Nynaeve's condition." Rahvin picks cheese from his teeth as the camera pans down to Else holding a microphone on the sideline.

"Well, Rahvin…and Mat, Nynaeve would have no problem blending in with Seanchan Royalty in her current state. Semirhage ripped out even the roots…and Flinn refuses to heal her. Who can blame him?"

"Will she die?" Mat asks anxiously and Else shakes her head and looks over her shoulder at the groaning Nynaeve lying on a stretcher,

"I doubt that, Mat, but she will definitely have to find something else to jerk on when she's angry."

"I've got something." Rahvin says, trying hard not to burst into laughter, but fails.

"That isn't very nice, Rahvin." Else chides and Rahvin regains his composure with a throat clear,

"Of course not. I apologize. So uh…what color panties you wearin?" Else covers her red face through embarrassment and Rahvin and Mat slap each other's hands.

"Ya know, Rahv, some Aes Sedai can't even heal bruises. Let alone complete scalp-ation." Mat says proudly of his information and Rahvin nods his head,

"Yea, I've heard about that. They have a number of different weaves, but none are funner than the one that cures…impotence."

"Impotence!"

"Yea, guess which ones found out about this one? The Greens! Big surprise, eh?" Rahvin continues laughing and Mat shakes his head,

"You've gotta stop sleepin around, Rahv, it could lead to more problems like that."

"Yea, look who's talkin! You're just jealous because I ruled my queen and yours ruled you."

"Hey! We're not talking about that!" Mat demands and Rahvin claps Mat on the shoulder,

"All I'm sayin is that I'm jealous towards the MVP of this game, because those pillow friendly channelers are gonna thank her immensely."

"You really think so?" Mat asks intrigued and Rahvin nods his head,

"Oh definitely. The woman who allows all women to regain the touch on the One Power is gonna get touched…nicely."

"I uh…have to go do something." Mat stands up, holding his hands over his crotch and runs out of the announcer's booth.

"Boy can't handle lesbian themes…"

Perrin blows his whistle, signaling the beginning of the second quarter and the Light _Sabers_ receive the kick. Now that Elza and Moraine are both absent, both Cadsuane and Elayne have been substituted in.

"I've got it!" Cadsuane yells as the ball descends and she pushes Egwene away.

"Hey, I'm the—" Cadsuane pushes her again and catches the ball.

"Haha! Look at me, I'm important!" Cadsuane starts jumping into the air, clicking her heels together and Aviendha growls,

"Start runnin or I'll tackle you myself!"

"Excuse me, young missy, but I happen to be—" The Dark _Lordz_ slam onto Cadsuane as one unstoppable force and Aviendha claps along with the Dark Forces in the audience as she is flattened.

"Okay, listen up." Egwene begins as the team lines up at the 5 yard line and Cadsuane limps towards them,

"Throw me the ball."

"No. I'm throwing it to…" Egwene looks at Leane and then at Sumeko and then at Kiruna and finally nods, "Okay, Kiruna, screen pass."

"We can hear you guys." Mesaana says at the non-huddled Light _Sabers_ and Aviendha slaps her own forehead. Egwene growls and calls for the huddle and Perrin blows his whistle loudly,

"Delay of Game!"

"Oh don't you dare!" Faile yells from the sideline and Perrin spins around as she rushes towards him.

"I'm just doing my job, honey bear." He whimpers and Faile growls and punches him in the chest,

"You just want everyone to be quick like you!" She prods him in the pelvis and Perrin groans,

"Why do you have to be so mean to me, shnookums?"

"Don't talk back to me!" Faile slaps Perrin across the face and he frowns,

"I apologize for whatever I did, peanut butter cup, but I—"

"And you still haven't gotten what I told you to buy!"

"Gosh, coconut crème pie, that aisle makes me so uncomfortable…"

"I won't tell you again!"

"Ok, I'm sorry, I'll go." Perrin takes the five silver marks from Faile and rushes away from the field and everyone looks around confused.

"Well this is odd." Rahvin says from the booth as a handsome man stalks into the booth with his blade drawn, "Who are you?"

"I've come to slay you, Lord Gaebril. I am your nemesis."

"Gareth Bryne?" Rahvin asks through confusion and the man growls,

"No! I'm Tallanvor! A younger version."

"Ahhhhh. Okay, what do you want?"

"I've come to smite you!"

"Why?" Rahvin asks, standing up and crossing his arms and Tallanvor holds up his blade,

"You besmirched the virtue of Queen Morgase!"

"Lemme tell you, about twenty guys beat me there." Rahvin shrugs and Tallanvor's scowl deepens,

"You won't speak in such a manner about my true love!"

"Why do you love her anyway? You're young, why go after an older, used woman?"

"Because if I marry her, I can be King!" Tallanvor cackles triumphantly and Rahvin sighs,

"Sorry, but you can't be King. (Serious face) Caemyln has no King…Caemlyn needs no King."

"What…what do you mean? I can't be King?" Tallanvor lowers his sword as a tear rolls down his cheek.

"Sorry buddy, better luck next time." Rahvin places his shoulder on Tallanvor's shoulder comfortingly,

"All that for nothing…I feel so used…" Tallanvor turns around and slinks away.

"You wanna be referee?"

"I can't be King…I just wanna be alone for a little while…" Tallanvor disappears into the shadows and Rahvin sighs and turns back around to find Galad sitting in Mat's vacant seat,

"Can I be ref!"

"Sorry, Galad, but you'd distract the women. We need someone that _no one _likes…"

"Fain?" Galad asks and Rahvin thinks for a moment and then shakes his head,

"No, he's too free with his hands around young girls."

"Gawyn? He can't even get throw-away trim."

"Nah…we need someone even more repulsive…wait! I got it!"

"Oh, haha! Very funny." Bel'al walks down from the bleachers and hops down onto the field, "Alright, let's get this thang goin."

"Don't tell us what to do!" Elayne yells viciously and Bel'al holds his hands up defensively,

"Sorry, but that Blacksmith left so I'm gonna be—"

"Just go…go stand over there." Elayne waves her hands over towards the sidelines and Bel'al frowns and walks away.

"Hike!" Egwene throws the ball to Kiruna immediately, who catches it and spins away from Lanfear. She cackles and continues down the sidelines, but Moghedien catches up. She leaps at her feet, but Kiruna sidesteps, and then hops back in bounds and keeps running. Bel'al blows his whistle and stomps where Kiruna stepped out,

"Balls dead here, honey." He waves and Kiruna and the other Light _Sabers_ turn and scowl at him. He swallows and mops sweat from his forehead.

"You dare say I say stepped out!" Kiruna rears up into Bel'al's face and he backs away,

"I—uh, well—I think ya…umm you—"

"Why are you even here, gawd!" Elayne stands the tips of her toes and Bel'al throws his hands up,

"Not even Callandor is worth this! Screw you all and I hope you rot in Shayol Ghul!" Bel'al sobs as he runs off the field and Kiruna places the ball where she believes it goes.

"Hmmm, we've totally gotta find a new Ref." Rahvin rubs his hands through his hair and Galad smirks,

"I'm still here, ya know."

"You're the only man that can stand up to me and Ryne in looks, but if you don't shut your mouth, I'll have to change that." Galad frowns and slumps down in his seat.

"Hike!" Egwene grabs the ball and throws it to Aviendha who jumps over Galina to catch it. She lands on the ground and charges down the field. She kicks Liandrin in the shin and then chops Lanfear in the neck.

"Damn, she can fight!" Galad yells excitedly as he stands up and looks down through the glass window, "Dude! Is that a nipple!"

"What! Where!" Rahvin jumps up and looks towards the field expectantly, but frowns, "Nope, pepperoni slice." He peels the pepperoni off the window and Galad groans.

Aviendha is dragged down at the 40 and the Forces of Light finally have a reason to cheer. Aviendha high fives herself and walks back to the huddle. Cadsuane looks towards her and 'sniffs',

"I would have done it differently, but you tried your best and that's all that matters." Aviendha growls and reaches for her shofa, but decides against it.

"Hike!" Egwene hands the ball off to Aviendha again and Sumeko squeals and leaps forwards, blocking Mesaana's tackle. Katerine leaps forwards, but Kiruna intercepts and slams her head into Katerine's stomach.

"Yes! Go! Go!" Min and Berelain cheer from the sidelines and Arem continues to click his tongue in disappointment,

"Rookies."

Aviendha kicks Galina in the neck, sending the Black Aes Sedai flailing backwards to the ground and the crowd boos, but luckily there is no ref. Semirhage finally leaps forwards and Aviendha quickly rolls out of bounds to avoid being destroyed.

"And it appears Galina is down for the count!" Rahvin announces as Trollocs rush her from the field and Galad shrugs,

"Eh, who cares? Now we get to see Alviarin in that tight little uniform!"

Rand snickers deviously as the Trollocs wheel Galina off the field and he looks over to his strategic coordinator, Elyas.

"Long Tooth, you know what to do." Elyas looks up and shakes his head,

"Sir, it'll be much too bloody."

"Release the hounds, minion." Rand orders and Elyas nods and holds his hands up,

"The Final Hunt has come!"

Hundreds of howls sound out around the stadium and wolves begin pouring over the walls, instilling fear in everyone, but they are only intent on the incapacitated Galina.

"REMEMBER THE ALAM—umm, REMEMBER DUMAI'S WELLS!" The wolves leap onto Galina and Rand cackles viciously, holding his hands into the air,

"That's for beating me, wench!" He quickly looks onto the field and Katerine gasps as his finger falls onto her, "You're next!"


	5. Fantasy of Tight Boxes

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Rand and Moridin face off at the sidelines, glaring at each other as the wolves finish their repast and rush away from the field, leaving the crowd screaming in terror.

"G'damnit, Rand! You just had two of my best players devoured alive!" Moridin demands angrily and Rand shakes his fist,

"How would you like being shoved in a box for days, having to smell your own ass 24/7!"

Moridin fantasizes at the thought but quickly looks around with frown,

"Listen, I know they were bitches…but there are kids here! Have you no heart!"

"I must be…" (serious face) "I must be harder than stone." Rand turns around and walks away and Moridin snickers, still thinking about his own wonderful smell. He then spins around to survey his bench.

"Alviarin and Graendal, you're in." He points towards the field and Alviarin rises from her seat and tip-toes across the field, but Graendal shakes her head,

"No, thank you, I'm quite content sitting here on the bench."

"Did I ask you?"

"Well, I—"

"Get your fat ass up and hustle!" Moridin yells, slapping Graendal on her bublicious booty and she rushes onto the field.

"Well it appears the second quarter is going to continue where Aviendha was brought down." Rahvin says from the booth and Galad nods his head,

"The wolves have parted, thank the—" Galad throws a meatball to the floor and wipes his hand on his pants, "Damnit, Rahvin, you're the messiest eater I've ever met!"

"Oh yea?" Rahvin snickers, "That's funny, cuz that's what yo momma said!"

"WHAT?" Galad jumps to his feet furiously and Rahvin holds his fists up, "You take that back!"

"It's the truth, though. When I was done, she said that I—"

"You sick bastard!" Galad plops back down into his seat and Rahvin places his hand on Galad's shoulder,

"Why do you care? She's not your _real_ mother."

"Oh yea, I forgot. So uh…how was it?"

"Hike!" Egwene back steps and Kiruna slide trips Semirhage as Aviendha waves for the ball. Egwene hurls the ball across the field and Aviendha leaps into the air with Lanfear right behind her. They collide in the air and fall to the ground, both of them pointing at the other for interference.

"She kicked me!" Lanfear complains and Aviendha shakes her head quickly,

"This bitch tried to grab my—"

"Silence!" A loud, commanding voice sounds from the tops of the bleachers and all eyes go wide.

"The Creator!" Rahvin asks fearfully, looking up and out of the glass booth.

"Daddy!" Olver asks from the floor, still sobbing after the disappearance of his mother.

"Nope! And HELL NO!" Bael says as he leaps down to the field and lands in a ninja crouch.

"Hi, Bael!" Berelain waves her pom-poms wildly and Aram leaps in front of her swooning,

"No, look at me!"

"Sup, peeps. All plays go through me now, and anyone that has anything to say can answer to…hmmm, me!"

"Ah yea, that's a good choice for ref I think." Rahvin says as Galad sniffles sadly, "He's can keep control of two women when most men in Wot can't survive even one!"

"Hey!" Perrin yells from behind the Gatorade bins and then curses, foolishly having given up his hiding place.

"You wooly oaf! Get my products!" Faile chases him off into the distance and Rahvin shakes his head sympathetically.

"Offensive pass interference, I'm gonna make it a 20 yard penalty because I can." Bael says casually and sits down cross legged on the sideline. Aviendha grumbles as she walks back to the huddle and Cadsuane waves her hands,

"I got a play! This is how it goes! What happens is that I—"

"Shut it!" Aviendha kicks Cadsuane in the shin, sending her hobbling to the ground and then looks to Egwene, "Throw me the ball again."

"Ok."

"We can still hear you." Mesaana says once again and Egwene glares.

"Just get open!" Egwene orders and hikes the ball. Lanfear, Semirhage, and Liandrin rush forwards for the sack and Leane and Sumeko run away scared. Egwene looks up field to the triple covered Aviendha and scowls. She tosses the ball to Elayne and leaps away and Elayne's eyes widen as she is plowed.

"Oh what the fuck!" Rand yells from the sidelines and the crowd gasps, "Oh c'mon, it's PG13, I can say it once." Rand kicks the empty bench angrily as the bloodied Elayne is dragged off the field and he looks to the approaching Moridin.

"You don't have anymore players there, Rand-dawg." Moridin says and Rand sighs,

"I figured we'd lose, but not in the 2nd quarter. I can't surrender, not yet!" Rand thrusts his fist into his palm as Lan rolls from the crowd with his blade drawn.

"Ahhhhh! The Warder of Prophecy!" Moridin squeals and rushes away and Lan raises an eyebrow.

"Why are you here?"

"You can still put in Nynaeve, Rand. She's strong in both body and spirit…and mouth."

"But she's injured…" Rand looks over his shoulder to Nynaeve who plays a PSP on her sickbed.

"I'm really hurt though…bastard." Nynaeve continues smashing away at buttons and Rand glares,

"With any hope, she'll die if I put her back in."

"Exactly!" Lan says excitedly and Rand's eyes widen,

"You mean you _want_ her dead!"

"I married her for the ass, not the attitude. Ever since that damn boat, I've been a slave…" Lan sniffles sullenly, "I don't feel like a man anymore."

"I'll put her in, Lan…for all the Xbox fans, I'll put her in." Rand claps Lan on the shoulder and snaps his fingers, "Nynaeve, get in there!" Nynaeve curses and leaps from the bed and hobbles back onto the field, the Forces of Light cheering for her imminent doom.

"That was so touching…" Galad wipes tears from his eyes and Rahvin spits,

"Who the hell would want a bald biatch for a wife?"

"Hey!" Tuon yells angrily, rushing into the booth and Rahvin throws the pizza box at her,

"Get back in your cage, troll!"

"Hike!" Egwene quickly hands the ball off to Nynaeve and she rushes up the field, limping and hobbling, but Kiruna and Aviendha block for her. She finally rushes out at the Dark _Lordz_' 20 yard line at the two minute warning.

"The end zone is in sight, but we only have three minutes left!" Cadsuane yells, running around crazily in circles and Egwene spits on her hands.

"Two minutes, dumbass." Aviendha growls, but Egwene catches her shoulder,

"Listen, Avi, I'm gonna throw it to you." She whispers for once and Mesaana frowns, "Run out of bounds as soon as you can."

"Give me an 'Egg'! Give me a 'Win'!" Berelain giggles and Aram covers his face angrily,

"Are you even _trying_!"

"Hike!" Egwene rushes backwards in the shotgun and hurls the ball towards the sidelines to Aviendha, but it soars over her head and into the crowd. Gawyn's eyes widen as he reaches out and catches it, stealing it away from Jisao.

"Haha! She threw it to me! Egwene, honey, sign the ball for me won't you!"

"Oh come now, Gawyn," Logain laughs from beside him, "She only pretends to like you because Rand has Elayne. She'd sooner let Bela mount her than you."

"That's not true!" Gawyn cries, holding the ball into the air, "You love me right, Egwene!"

"Get the ball!" The Dark _Lordz_ yell and rush to the sidelines and Logain and the Younglings scatter, leaving Gawyn alone as the team leaps over the rail and crushes him in the metal seat.

"The Light _Sabers_ might have time for three more plays. Let's see if they get a miracle…" Galad says, not caring for the fate of his little brother and Rahvin shrugs,

"They need to hurry up so Half-Time can start. I hear they have a contortionist!"

"Really!" Olver asks excitedly and Rahvin kicks him in the head.

"Hike!" Egwene hands the ball off to Nynaeve as the blitz rushes forwards viciously. Aviendha kicks Lanfear in the stomach, sending her backwards and Kiruna and Semirhage clamp arms and begins a powerful sumo match. Nynaeve leaps over Liandrin's tackle and rushes down the sideline as Moghedien leaps forwards.

"I'll get her!" Cadsuane rushes forwards fiercely and leaps at Moghedien, but misses horribly and slams into the bleachers. Leane leaps out of the way as Nynaeve leaps for the end zone, but Moghedien clasps onto her ankle.

"You'll never be rid of me!" Moghedien yells as Nynaeve groans and reaches her arm forwards, attempting to place the ball over the line, but Semirhage cackles and leaps forwards,

"Make peace with the Force, Nynaeve!" Galad looks away as the behemoth lands hard on Nynaeve, crushing her underneath and the ball rolls from underneath.

Alviarin rolls forwards and snatches up the ball, rushing back down the field with no to block her.

"Nooo!" Cadsuane falls to the ground with a concussion from slamming into the rail and Semirhage stands up from the lifeless Nynaeve. Bael blows his whistle as Alviarin scores.

Tears leak from the crowd and Rahvin stands to his feet,

"Good night, Sweet Princess, muse of the braid puller, you shall live on in our hearts for as long as we—AND NOW TIME FOR THE HALF TIME SHOW, BROUGHT TO YOU BY RYNE VENEMAR HAIR GEL!"


	6. Nekkid Pretzels

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

"Oh yea, this is what we've been waitin for!" Rahvin yells excitedly from the booth as music begins to blare throughout the stadium, the lights dim, and both sides of the crowd stand to their feet in applause. The players are rushed to the sidelines as the ground opens up at the 50 yard line and a massive platform comes into view, Valan Luca standing atop it surrounded by red and purple tents.

"My show's the best the world has ever seen, biatches! It's a celebration!" Valan Luca yells through a massive megaphone and Rahvin snickers from the booth,

"The best, huh? And I think we know why!"

"Oh hell yea!" Luca yells and cues Aludra and her fireworks, sending the canopies off of the tents.

"Oh baby!" Hopper drools as the giant boar horses come into view and Slayer peaks over the wolf's head, smirking at the half naked entertainers.

"I give you the Murasaka Sisters!" Luca yells as the women begin tumbling and twirling atop the elephants and swing between trapeze, "Their names are…eh, who cares!"

"No one!" Thom yells, clapping into the air and Noal and Rhuarc hoot and holler.

"I guess I could introduce the Chavana Brothers…" Luca says pensively, looking at the four jugglers and Aram nods his head excitedly,

"Yes, please do!"

"Uh, no." Daved Hanlon slaps Aram across the back of the head, sending him running away in tears.

"Bring out the contortionist!" Logain yells from the bleachers, standing on Gawyn's wobbly shoulders.

"Oh right, my bad. Adria, get out here!" Luca peaks into a tent and a hottie rolled up into a pretzel comes springing out, bouncing around in her sparkly leotard.

"Oh shiat! She can bend like—ah damn, I've got some experimenting to do!" Galad yells from the booth and spins around, rushing out.

"I've got hot girl-radar too, but I've got a job to do!" Rahvin yells, shaking his fist angrily as Galad disappears and Olver snickers from the floor.

"You know I've had each and everyone of those hot entertainers, right?" Olver asks smugly and Rahvin scowls,

"You liar."

"How do you think I got all this glitter on myself?" Olver asks, standing up and lifting his shirt and Rahvin reaches for his knife.

Galad rushes out onto the field and climbs up the rough leg of a S'redit and is content with simply looking up at the women bouncing around. He wipes drool from his mouth and checks his pockets for zip lock bags.

"This is so boring!" Cadsuane complains from the sidelines and Rand glares over at her,

"Leave if you want, no one will miss you."

"I've decided I'm going to stay and you can't make me go!" Cadsuane crosses her arms indignantly and Bashere sighs,

"Next time use reverse psychology."

"Reverse who?"

Luca rushes over to the sidelines with a bewildered look and Rand stands up,

"Sup?"

"Hey, where's my knife target?" Luca asks and Rand looks around confused, "Uh, Nana."

"Oh, she died." Rand answers casually and Luca exhales,

"Damn, ok. Can I use another of your players?"

"Sure, take Cad…I mean…Cadsuane can't go with you!"

"I'm not your servant, boy!" Cadsuane yells, jumping off the bench and grabs Luca's arm, "Let's go, throw knives at me and whatnot." Luca winks and rushes back to the platform and Rand cackles,

"Don't forget to miss!"

Tuon sneaks up onto a giant boar horse and begins singing and dancing, trying desperately to draw attention to herself. Galad pushes her out the way to watch Adria bend backwards and touch the bottom of her feet.

"The Creator be blessed for making such a wonder…" Galad giggles, trying not to fall off, holding on with just one hand, and Tuon growls,

"Look at me!"

"Hey, shut it!" Petra growls, trying to enjoy the show with a scowling Clarine behind him.

"Look! I'm gonna be nekkid by the end of this song!" Tuon grabs her tight fitting shirt and rips it away, revealing a drawing of breasts beneath.

"No one cares you flat-chested wench! Bring back the Sisters!" Noal yells and Thom giggles,

"Woohoo!"

"Hey guys, can I join!" Aginor rushes to the other decrepit, old men and Thom nods his head,

"Good or bad, as long as you old, you can get in on this!" Aginor high-fives Rhuarc, taking one of the prescribed pills.

"Does that mean _I_ can join!" Bair rushes forwards and all the men cringe and shakes their heads,

"Hell No!"

"I'd balefire the biznatch, but her thread is probably already ash!" Aginor demands as the old men all stand up and waddle away, trying not to trip over their pants.

"Galad, send down a ladder!" Narishma yells from the base of the S'redit as Nalesean and Talmanes try to climb up to reach the entertainers.

"Nah, bro, this here is my prize." Galad chuckles, wondering how the leg turns in such a way and Luca shakes his fist at Talmanes,

"Get off, get off! You'll startle them!"

"This is more important than a couple dumbass elephants!" Narishma yells, swinging Callandor around wildly and the giant boar horse begins stomping nervously.

"Ack, stop it!" Galad yells, trying to regain balance and the boar horse jumps off the platform, cuing the others into a wild stampede.

"I died happy!" Galad yells as he falls over the side and plummets to the ground, trying to use the small plastic 'devices' as parachutes. Luca rolls out of the way as the crowd breaks out into panic, trying to dodge the charging animals.

"It is time…" Dedric says from the bushes and brings his shofa up over his mouth.

"The societies of the Aiel become one this day." Gaul says ruthlessly and Bael rubs at his forehead,

"Become one? That sounds a little gay…"

"Just sound the charge!" Mangin yells angrily, "I get hanged in the morning."

The Aiel leap forwards, sending spears through the air, slamming into the wild beasts and Cerandin falls to the ground in tears over her beloved creatures. Gaul stops at her side with a frown and places his hand on her shoulder,

"Don't worry. When we eat them, we'll cook them slowly." More tears explode from her eyes and Gaul charges away cackling.

"Well, coming up is the third quarter…I think." Rahvin says from the booth, wiping his bloody knife on his pants, "I'm not sure if all the players are alive or if the crowd will be intact. I guess…just come back and find out…" Rahvin tosses the knife down, but quickly re-grabs his microphone, "Oh, and I don't want no damn tomato on my double S'redit burger!"


	7. Spear the Maiden

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

"Welcome back to the Field of Lances, where everything seems to be settling down with the Aiel grill'n the S'redit out back and the Murasaka Sisters chill'n out in my trailer." Rahvin takes a large bite of his juicy S'redit burger and smirks, "Unfortunately my co-announcer Galad is missing in action and its best to assume he's playin golf up in heaven with the contortionist."

"Golf?" Bael asks through confusion and Rahvin groans as he squirts hair gel onto the burger bun,

"I meant 'strokin it' up in heaven but since Olver is sitting—"

"Stroke!" Noal jumps into the air, checking his blood pressure and quickly pops back two more pills.

"Gah! Enough with this. We're about to start…" Rahvin says taking another bite, but Bael shakes his head.

"No we're not. The Light _Sabers_ yet again don't have enough players." Bael walks over to the Light _Sabers'_ bench where Rand grumbles, looking around at his disheveled players. Maybe he should have tried harder to win, but joining the Dark Side. He would put the injured Elayne back in, but she snuck off during Half Time.

"What's it gonna be?" Moridin asks as he sneaks over and Rand frowns pathetically,

"Can I call any players from the audience? Pleeeeaaasssse."

"You only need one." Bael informs as he counts the beans once more and Rand looks up, studying the Aes Sedai. Siuan and Elaida wave their hands in the air, rushing down the middle aisle eagerly, but Sheriam puts her leg out, tripping the both of them.

Talmanes and Nalesean laugh hysterically as the women crash to the ground and Rand shakes his head,

"Like I'm gonna pick either of you! (Serious face) I won't dance on Aes Sedai strings!" Moridin rubs his chin and then snaps his fingers,

"I got it! Maybe you should hold a survivor game to see who the best candidate is!"

"Uhh, I think we already have one of those." Rahvin says, double checking the front page, "Yep, and it's making us look bad...REAL bad."

"Damnit…Bashere, you choose." Rand says looking towards his strategy advisor.

"Nah girl, of course I'm a dentist. Trust me."

"BASHERE!"

"Huh, whuh!" Bashere spins around from his 'patient' and scowls, "You're interrupting my 'practice.'

"Your pay comes from my wallet! Now tell me who to put in!" Rand orders angrily and Bashere looks to the crowd,

"I would love to see Verin in that tight outfit."

"Ugggh!" The entire stadium vomits and gags at once and Rand grabs his stomach in pain,

"You got some sick fantasies!"

"My daughter's Faile, what the fuck do you expect!" Bashere growls, shaking his fist at the sky.

"Just pick one!" Bael demands and Rand turns back around, weighing the crowd.

"How about the one that raped you with her massive, throbbing warder bond?" Moridin asks and Rand almost falls to his knees in tears, the memory too much for him, "Too early? Does it still pain your heart?"

"Among other things…" Rahvin cackles from the booth and Bael shakes his head at the whimpering Car'a'carn.

Rand sniffles and wipes his eyes,

"Alanna it is...only because I can't remember anyone else's names…" Rand grabs a tissue and rushes away under the bench to continue his wailing. Alanna makes her way down the bleachers to the others and Bael smirks,

"Finally. And since I feel sorry for their coach, the Light _Sabers _shall receive. Get to it!" Bael blows his whistle and both teams take the field.

"Okay, this is the plan," Cadsuane begins, "I'll catch it, you all block like—"

"I'll spit you like I did that boar horse!" Aviendha yells as Semirhage sends the ball screaming through the air, burning in a spiral like before. Cadsuane's eyes widen and she runs the other way and Leane follows right behind.

The ball slams down at the 1 yard line, burning through the ground and Egwene rushes over, vigorously attempting to dislodge it. The Dark _Lordz _roar down the field and Egwene's eyes widen as they enclose.

"I'd say just fall on top of it…but that's just me." Aviendha warns and Egwene finally concedes and downs the already downed ball.

"Ah damnit. We don't get to kill her!" Semirhage frowns and Lanfear pats her on the shoulder,

"Maybe next time."

"Ummm, we still need to get the ball out." Alanna says impatiently and Bael groans and rushes over, pulling out a spear. He impales the ball, sending the air rushing out, and then pulls the deflated ball out of the hole,

"C'mon, common sense people."

"We playing ultimate Frisbee now!" Rahvin asks from the booth and Olver claps his hands,

"Yay! Me and Daddy used to play that!"

"You did not!" Rahvin yells, beginning to squirt hair gel at the boy, but decides against it and simply kicks him.

A new ball is airlifted in and the Light _Sabers _take the ball at the 1 yard line, an imminent safety looming.

"We should just give it to them." Alanna suggests and Egwene scowls and looks over her shoulder, down the field,

"Nope. We're gonna Hail-Mary it. Can you catch, Alanna?"

"The question is 'do I want to'?"

"No, that's not what she asked!" Aviendha growls, "Whore."

"Hey! He's the one that already had three women," Alanna defends with tears in her eyes, "I felt left out!"

"Me too!" Berelain waves her hands into the air and Cadsuane frowns,

"Me too."

"Me too." Lanfear says from the other side, holding up her hand and Semirhage thinks about it and then holds up her hand.

"You all do realize that there are single guys right in front of your faces right?" Narishma yells desperately, but everyone ignores him.

"Hike!" Egwene pans back, jumping away from Moghedien's flailing arms and Kiruna, Sumeko, and Leane struggle to hold back and a raging Semirhage. Alanna and Aviendha both wave their hands down field and Egwene throws the ball into the air as Graendal leaps at her.

"Mine, mine!" Alanna yells, reaching upwards as Mesaana jumps into the air. Both women collide in the air and Aviendha cackles as she catches the ball at the forty and spins by Alviarin. She hurdles over Liandrin's pitiful attempt at a tackle and then gasps as she comes eye to eye with Lanfear.

"I should have killed you at the docks!"

"But I thought you died at the docks and then came back as—" Lanfear shakes her head,

"This obviously doesn't follow the storyline too well," (Nalesean waves with a smile), "Let's just finish this!" Both women rush at each other, jumping and kicking and the crowd leans forwards as one.

"Ooooh, I'm taking bets! 3-1 on Aviendha, the Maiden of the Spear with the pounce of the cheetah!" Rahvin smirks as Aviendha lands a well placed kick, but Lanfear counters with an uppercut, "Well wait a second! The Daughter of the Night don't give up easily. My blood's cold, but I'm enjoyin this shit!"

"Go Lanfear! Rip her shirt off!" Logain yells and Gawyn shakes his head,

"No, go Aviendha!"

"Gawyn, who do you want to see naked more!" Logain asks and Gawyn bites his lower lip,

"Both of em?"

"Good answer!"

Aviendha ducks underneath a roundhouse kick and sends an off balance Lanfear crashing to the ground with a well placed elbow. She cackles and rushes towards the end zone, but forgets the ball.

"No! Don't toy with my emotions! Pick it up!" Rand yells and Aviendha spins around only to see the Dark _Lordz_ rushing after her. She quickly leaps forwards onto the ball as the Dark _Lordz _leap onto her.

"Oh wow, on the 10 yard line! This is the closest the Light _Sabers_ have ever been to the end zone!" Rahvin yells excitedly, "Wait…who am I rooting for?"

"Okay, we're definitely going to score." Egwene says happily and Cadsuane nods her head contently,

"Yea, thanks to me."

"We can't throw it, there could be an interception." Leane suggests and Egwene nods,

"Then I'll sneak it.

"Hike!" Egwene drops back as the two teams collide into one another, the Dark _Lordz _blitzing viciously, obviously having heard the play once again, but Lanfear leaps over the lines.

"I won't fail twice! Lews Therin is mine!" Rand looks around confused as Lews Therin snickers deviously as he continues doing cartwheels on the sidelines in the Light Saber mascot uniform.

Egwene attempts to turn away, but Lanfear reaches forwards with clawing hands and sends Egwene to the ground. The crowd gasps as the ball comes loose, but Lanfear disregards as she continues clawing at Egwene's eyes.

"Ah c'mon, that's illegal!" Rahvin yells as Gawyn cries out and rushes onto the field to save his beloved. Bael blows his whistle, rushing forwards to haul Lanfear away from the shrieking Egwene, but the damage has been done.

"She messed up my mascara! I'm not playing anymore!" Egwene pouts angrily and Rand slams his playbook on the ground.

"You can't just quit on me! You're my QB!"

"Says who!" Egwene crosses her arms underneath her breasts and then switches to placing them on her hips, and then back again.

"Who's going to replace Egwene?" Aviendha asks, spinning the ball on her index finger,

"Perhaps I can be of assistance?" A wonderful, mellifluous, graceful, and sexi-licious voice sounds out from behind and all eyes turn to land on the gorgeous Birgitte, standing next to a fully healed Elayne, although with slightly broader shoulders.

"Where did you get off to, Elayne!" Rand asks and Elayne points to Birgitte.

"She never had the power to begin with," Moridin says, "But if she wants to play, I wouldn't mind seeing her in that uniform…and with maybe her hair loose?"

"Don't push it!" Birgitte warns and Moridin nods quickly,

"Yes ma'am."


	8. Bunions Aint Only On Feet

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels nor do I hold Russell Crowe responsible for decking that weasel. (Yea, I used your famous line, I apologize)

"For the illegal scratching of eyes, the Light _Sabers_ get the ball on the…" Bael nods his head back and forth and finally decides, "The 7 yard line. My favorite number."

"I knew we would get our way." Alanna says smugly with her arms crossed and Aviendha scoffs,

"Yea, and 'gasp' you didn't have to sleep with anyone." Alanna grabs an orange cone and begins swinging it, but Birgitte grabs her arm gently,

"Come on girls, we mustn't fight. We're a team." Alanna nods, truly touched by the wonderful words of encouragement.

"I understand now…my eyes…have been opened. I'm sorry, Avi." Alanna opens her arms wide to Aviendha with a forgiving smile, but Aviendha turns away,

"Go to hell, whore."

"I've got the perfect play!" Cadsuane demands and Birgitte turns towards her with a raised brow, "You throw it to me and I score and win for us."

"I'm not sure if you know what the score is."

"Who does?" Leane asks, sitting on the ground, filing her nails and everyone looks up at Rahvin in the announcer's booth.

"Oooh, good question…uhh…," Rahvin ducks down beneath the desk and Olver smiles and waves,

"You wanna play Trucks?"

"Shut it, boy! What's the score!"

"Well the Dump Truck and the Police Car­­—" Rahvin snatches the toy cars out of the boys hands and throws them across the room. Then kicks him for emphasis.

"Do not panic, my dear boy." A voice echoes throughout the room accompanied by low, morose notes from a well tuned harp. Rahvin peaks out from his hiding place and his eyes widen at seeing Asmodean decked out in a black and grey FUBU sweat suit with a golden harp medallion around his neck, "Yo!"

"What the hell are you doing here!" Rahvin demands angrily and Asmodean snickers,

"I figured if a minor character like Nalesean can come back, why the hell can't I? And plus, I know the score! Three to nothing and since and football is done in sevens, that makes it…" Asmodean looks around suspiciously and then begins counting on his fingers.

"Ok, three to nothin, easy enough." Bael blows his whistle and the teams line up at the seven yard line. Birgitte hikes the ball and pans backwards as Semirhage breaks through the lines. Birgitte stares her down fearlessly and twirls away from the tackle with a brilliant spin.

"Me, me!" Cadsuane yells, waving her hands in the air out of bounds and Birgitte sighs and throws the ball to Elayne. Mesaana and Liandrin both leap up for the ball, but Elayne skies above both of them with a flip and catches the ball in the air. She lands in a crouch and the crowd falls into a stunned silence.

"She's beginning to believe…" Noal whispers and Thom nods his head, looking down as his personal damane-masseuse begins combating his bunions in a never ending war of comfort.

"And the Light _Sabers_ score!" Rahvin yells and the Light Forces of the crowd burst into applause and Min and Berelain leap into each other's arms, groping each other's pom-poms.

"This is no time for that!" Aram yells through aggravation, "We have to think of a cheer!" Min and Berelain ignore him as they continue dancing around entwined.

"Good catch, M—Elayne!" Birgitte high fives Elayne and she smiles and nods, but doesn't say anything in response. Moghedien raises an eyebrow suspiciously as the Dark _Lordz_ walk down to the other side of the field.

"There is something different about that slightly masculine 'Elayne' and I'm going to put my finger on it…"

"If you put your lips on it, call me!" Beslan yells, waving from the crowd and Moghedien hurls a cone at his head, sending him crashing to the floor.

"Let me kick it, let me kick it!" Cadsuane yells as she runs around the football stand and Birgitte shakes her head,

"You are only on the field because we are a player short. If you don't be quiet, I'll choke you." Cadsuane sits down and pouts and Aviendha snickers.

Bael blows the whistle and Aviendha rushes forwards and slashes the ball through the air, spiraling it to the twenty where Lanfear catches it and rushes back. Semirhage, Graendal, and Liandrin create an invincible barrier around her as they roar back up the field. Leane and Cadsuane jump out of the way as Alanna is trampled, but Birgitte rallies the others at the fifty.

"Kiruna, now!" She orders and Kiruna leaps at Semirhage's feet, sending the behemoth crashing down and Elayne leaps forwards and wraps her arms around Lanfear's hips, crashing her backwards to the ground.

"Yippee! They've been stopped!" Min giggles and Berelain nods her head happily,

"Wait, you have a little S'redit burger sauce on your lip." Berelain leans forwards and wipes the smudge from the blushing Min's face.

"Thank…thank you. You know, Berelain…there's something I never told you…"

"Well, well, what's all this then?" Daved, Slayer, and Sammael all disregard the game to watch the new unfolding plot between the cheerleaders, the girls, not Aram.

"Hut, hut, Hike!" Lanfear quickly hands the ball off to Liandrin who rushes behind her, drawing Birgitte's rush, but Liandrin throws the ball through the air, sailing towards Moghedien. She reaches up into the air, but Elayne spins in front and rips the ball out of the air.

"Interception! Holy shizzle!" Rand yells, leaping up from the bench as Elayne rushes the ball back down field with the furious Moghedien rushing after her. Lanfear growls and leaps at her, but Elayne stiff arms her in the chest, squeezing inappropriately in the process and Lanfear squeals scandalized as she hits the ground.

"Woah, did she just do what I think she did!" Asmodean asks with wide eyes and Rahvin wipes the drool from his chin,

"Duuude, Slayer, tell me you got that on tape!" Slayer attempts to look up with one eye, keeping the other glued on Min and Berelain's topless pom-pom fight,

"Bro, where are you lookin!"

Moghedien finally rushes in front of Elayne and Elayne slides to a halt at the twenty yard line, the two teams rushing from behind.

"You aren't Elayne. I had a quite intimate compulsion session with her, and you're…different." 'Elayne' clinches her jaw nervously and Moghedien scowls, "I knew it! An imposter! What is your name?"

'Elayne' clears her throat, looks up with a serious face, and speaks in a voice which attempts to be feminine,

"My name is Gladiator."

"That voice…I almost recognize it…" Moghedien bites her lower lip in quandary and Logain pulls out his cell phone and slides it open,

"Operator! I need a Matrix-Unplug at the Field of Lances. Thanks." Logain puts on his black glasses and leans back in his seat smugly as Moghedien up and collapses to the ground. 'Elayne' looks around confused, but then takes off and rushes into the end zone.

"What the hell just happened!" Rahvin yells as the whistle blows and the crowd erupts into more cheers.

"I think she fainted…" Asmodean says indifferently, "Yea, she probably saw a spider…" Rahvin looks over confused and then groans at the dumbass attempt of a joke.

"Good job, Elayne!" Aviendha leaps into 'Elayne's arms and 'Elayne' hugs her tightly, her hands holding places they shouldn't be and Aviendha clears her throat, "You can let me down now."

"Damnit! I can't watch both at once!" Noal yells as he twists his neck from the field and then back to Berelain and Min's pom-pom fight evolving into a confetti fest using certain oils and other slippery substances.

"Well that makes it 3-2 in a quick turn of events," Asmodean says strumming his harp, "I wonder if—" A loud crash of thunder sounds from overhead the announcer's booth and both Forsaken's throats go dry. The door flies open and black clad servant of evil himself, Shaidar Haran bursts through. Rahvin squeals and leaps under the desk, covering himself in toy cars to hide. Asmodean attempts to work moisture into his throat as the towering Fade looks down with his terrifying gaze.


	9. With The Vibrating Choedan Kal

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

All is silent, taut with terror as Asmodean fumbles for his harp and Shaidar Haran opens his mouth, thunder roaring from above as the screech of eagles escapes his mouth,

"I know I told you baby-sit my old, sick mom, boy! If she don't get her sponge bath, mommy gets ever so aggravated!" Asmodean shivers from the thought and scrambles to his feet, grabbing his Magical Harp and pointing it at the towering Fade,

"She's like a million years old! Just let her pass, damnit! The Dark One take you, I aint going back to them crusty-ass feet!" Asmodean yells out as he summons his power, "HARP BLAST X 10!" He launches a blast of black and blue musical notes at Shaidar Haran who throws his black cloaked hand outwards,

"Shield of Deaf…ness." The blast is deflected and Asmodean squeals as he turns to run, but Shaidar Haran reaches out, catching him by the back of the neck, "There is no escape, my son."

"Shaidar Haran's your daddy!" Olver asks excitedly from under the desk and Rahvin groans through annoyance and stabs the boy in the side with his finger.

"Please, I'll serve! I live to serve, Great Master! I'll come back to the Dark Side, I swear it!" Asmodean cries hysterically as he is hoisted into the air and Shaidar Haran places him over his shoulder,

"I'll just have to leash you to her, stop crying, you brought it upon yourself." Shaidar Haran disappears through the doors and the thunder storm from above lifts and the sunlight hesitantly returns from hiding.

"Well…" Rahvin quickly stands back up, situating himself in his seat, placing his headphones back on, "Back to where we were…uh, kick off from the Light _Sabers_."

Aviendha kicks the ball spiraling through the air and Lanfear receives once again, but this time rather than surrounding her, the Dark _Lordz _rush down the field aggressively. Cadsuane turns and runs behind the un-used field goal post and Leane curls up in a ball on the field.

"Do not let dread overtake your very special and unique bodies, girls, we're a powerful force, not to be taken lightly!" Birgitte rallies the remaining players and they all charge forwards to meet the rush, except for 'Elayne' who leaps over both lines, and lands in front of Lanfear.

"You again! You intercepted my halfback option play…I know you're not Elayne." Lanfear says smugly, placing the football underneath her arm and 'Elayne' nods her head, speaking in the same 'attempted feminine' voice,

"Amazing detective skills you have. Make it easy and just give me the ball!"

"I'll give you the ball if you remove your clothes and reveal who you are!" Lanfear demands and 'Elayne' shakes her head rigorously,

"I'm not getting naked in front of people I don't know! I'm not trying to earn the Accepted Dress…or the Aes Sedai Ring…or raising my hand to ask if I can place my name in the novice book…or working up the courage to ask an Aes Sedai if her ageless look isn't botox…"

'Elayne' continues rambling and Lanfear sighs and rushes away down the field, practically unblocked since all the Light _Sabers _except Birgitte are being pinned to the ground by a Dark _Lord_, Semirhage gripping the legs of both Kiruna and the squealing Sumeko.

"Elayne, you lazy git!" Birgitte yells as she dodges a punch from Liandrin and then trips the legs out from beneath Alviarin. 'Elayne' quickly regains herself and rushes after Lanfear who runs down the sidelines, well out of the reach of Birgitte. The Dark Forces of the crowd cheer and the Light Forces bid their time between watching the giggling Min and Berelain who have knocked over three bins of Gatorade and watching whatever's happening on the field.

"I have a larger lung capacity ya know!" 'Elayne' catches up and Lanfear's eyes widen as she looks behind herself and Elayne leaps at her legs, accidentally grabbing too high and catching waist band…or was it on purpose? Lanfear gasps as her shorts slip down around her knees and Rahvin leaps to his feet and cheers,

"I can die happy! I have seen the Thong That Cannot Be Seen! Black with little white flowers…awwww."

"Damn, I really need TIVO." Noal yells as he continues whipping his head back and forth and Thom shakes his head and points to Min and Berelain barely wearing a piece of clothing between the both of them,

"Cheerleaders cost more on the internet than transsexuals. Watch free while you can!"

"How dare you! I'm not one of Graendal's Pretties!" Lanfear protests as she hobbles down the field after 'Elayne' whom now has the ball, but she can't keep up and trips to the ground. 'Elayne' dances into the End Zone and Bael blows the whistle.

"It's all tied up! And because the world is more interested in Min and Berelain's 'inappropriate' coupling, because they aren't Aiel, they shouldn't be able to steal our customs damnit! Anyways, I have a lopar steak dinner waiting at home and this was more of a publicity stunt, next point wins."

The Light _Sabers_ huddle at the thirty five yard line and Birgitte looks over to the panting 'Elayne' with a look of concern on her face,

"Do you have anymore of your tricks left? We can't slack now." 'Elayne' nods her head with grim determination and Birgitte motions for Aviendha to kick the ball.

"Oooh, this is getting exciting!" Rahvin says as he rubs his hands together, no longer watching the game, but interested at the welcoming of Myrelle to Min and Berelain's 'special event'.

"Oh, there's no way that'll fit!" Sammael says as Myrelle pulls the Choedan Kal out of nowhere with a twinkle in her eye,

"Wanna bet?"


	10. No Hands Idle

A/N: First off, immense thanks to all who read and reviewed, I really enjoyed this one and I hope you all did too! Although it was all over the place and probably a "few" plot holes and even a bit inappropriate in nature:)

Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

The Dark _Lordz_ receive the ball at the twenty and all becomes a hush as a furious Lanfear rushes the ball back up the field. 'Elayne' and Birgitte lead the counter attack with Aviendha and Kiruna flanking their sides.

"You have no chance, Archer!" Semirhage growls as she leaps forwards in a beastly block, and Birgitte spins away gracefully, flipping that hair oh so sexily, but Liandrin cuts her legs out from underneath.

'Elayne' jumps forwards, and barely grabs a hold of Lanfear's well lotioned leg, and holds on as 'she' is dragged along, while being kicked and prodded by Graendal. Delana and Leane engage in a vicious glaring match off to the side, but Sumeko readies herself in front of the charge,

"I'll become a true Aes Sedai if I help this tim—" Sumeko's words are trampled as she herself is and the crowd cringes as the Dark _Lordz_ continue passed the fifty.

"This can't happen! The good guys are supposed to win!" Rahvin cries from the booth and Olver looks up at him with a raised brow,

"I didn't know you cared."

"Shut up!" Rahvin wipes a tear from his eye and sniffles, "If those Dark Aes Sedai get their powers back…I'm gonna have to start wearing panties."

'Elayne' finally pushes Graendal away and brings down the gazelle like Lanfear at the Light _Sabers_' thirty yard line, the imminent touchdown looming. Both teams huddle up exhausted and Egwene scowls from the bench,

"They need me! They're going to lose, let me back in, al'Thor!" She shakes her evil little fist at Rand who hides behind Elyas and Davram as he sticks his tongue out at her,

"It was you who decided to leave the game in the first place!"

"Don't tell me what I did or didn't do, wool face!" Egwene hurls an orange cone at Rand's head and he leaps down underneath the bench.

"Okay, girls, we have to stop the pass at all costs!" Birgitte explains and Leane raises her hand,

"Does that mean doing more than scowling at the other team?"

"Leane, if you actual do something, I'll make sure you get all the makeup you could ever want!" Birgitte offers and Leane's eyes widen with an adolescent gleam.

Lanfear hikes the ball and pans backwards as Birgitte rushes away to cover Liandrin and Leane and Kiruna rush forwards for the blitz while Alanna sits to the side, filing her nails. Semirhage easily grabs Leane and Kiruna by their hair, but 'Elayne' leaps over them, and hurls 'herself' at a very surprised Lanfear.

"You grab my shorts and I swear!" Lanfear attempts to spin out of the way, but 'Elayne' brings her down for the five yard sack and the Light Forces of the crowd erupt in cheers.

"Yes! I knew it! Give me an E!" Aram shouts from the sidelines, kicking his legs up, but realizes his squad isn't giving any support. He spins around and scowls at the three lovely ladies busying themselves in the Gatorade and scowls, "Get up and cheer damnit!"

"Hey, whose side are you on!" Thom yells angrily, throwing his special knives at Aram who squeals and runs away from the barrage of projectiles from the crowd.

"Do I get my makeup, do I, do I!" Leane asks, tugging on Birgitte's shirt and Cadsuane hauls her away,

"I did more, honest!" Birgitte looks at Cadsuane suspiciously who has half a hot dog in her mouth and a soda in her hand,

"Where have you been for the last ten plays!"

"I was…here…"

"Hike!" Lanfear drops back and immediately throws the ball to the spinning Liandrin and Birgitte reaches up quickly, tipping the ball upwards. All eyes widen in suspense as Myrelle sends Min's leg twitching uncontrollably, massaging those dainty little feet…oh, and 'Elayne' jumps through the air for that ball thingy.

"Interception!" Rahvin yells, leaping to his feet, and then groans through the pain of slamming 'his goods' on his desk and falls back to the ground, reaching for the ice and pain relievers, but Olver snatches them away and cackles as he runs to the other side of the booth.

'Elayne' speeds back down the field with the Dark _Lordz_ hot in pursuit, Lanfear the foremost, now absolutely livid at the other 'woman.'

"You won't escape me, impersonator!" Lanfear reaches forwards and grabs a hold of the oh-so annoying bundle of red curls and 'Elayne' gasps as 'she' is pulled backwards.

"I shouldn't have used glue!" 'She' yells as Lanfear sends 'her' crumbling to the ground and Lanfear reaches for the ball, but it won't budge from the other's grip.

"I wonder if Lanfear would ever join the other three…" Noal ponders from his seat, looking from one side to the other and Rhuarc shakes his head,

"I hear she's really a little girl, and oddly enough, that's the one thing that goes against Aiel Custom."

"Too bad for ya'll." Shaidar Haran says as he takes a seat next to the no pants wearing grandpas with Cyndane on his lap.

"Dude, where'd you come from!" Noal asks, surveying the sky for thunder and lightning and Shaidar Haran shakes his head,

"I only do that sometimes, I'm just out for a nice outing with this useless character that almost got left out."

"Hey, I got left out too!" Beslan yells angrily from the bleachers and Shaidar shrugs his shoulders,

"And now you're not, be happy and shut up."

"This is it, Elayne, a Hail Mary to finish it." Birgitte explains in the huddle and 'Elayne' nods 'her' head with a smirk, "Cadsuane, keep Liandrin occupied."

"You mean by telling her a long, boring story about how I'm so great?" She asks and Birgitte ignores her and looks to Sumeko,

"Sumi, sweety, I'm gonna need you to block for me, okay?"

"I won't fail!" Sumeko says from the wheel-chair in the full body cast and Birgitte smiles and calls for the hike. 'Elayne' rushes away quickly, dodging Semirhage's massive meat hooks and Liandrin rushes to cover. Cadsuane actually attempts to do her job, but Delana sticks her leg out and trips her.

'Elayne' groans as she rushes down the field, covered by both Liandrin and Lanfear, but the crowd begins chanting her name to instill confidence. They actually call out 'Berelain', but it sounds close and over the commotion, 'she' thinks they're calling 'her' name.

"I'm doing this for an important reason!" 'Elayne' demands as 'she' runs hard and looks over 'her' shoulder for the sailing ball. Rahvin cries out as Olver begins sending his coveted hair gel all over the floor and 'Elayne' reaches up and catches the ball, ripping it away from Lanfear.

"Go, go! Yippy!" Aram leaps into the air, shaking what his momma gave him and he scowls at his squad once again, and then looks at the drooling Slayer and Sammael who pay no attention to the game, "C'mon boys, our girls need us!"

"Doesn't look like it to me." Daved says, turning his neck in-humanly to scope out a better angle and Hopper howls at the three beautifully curved moons.

"No, I can't become Selene without the power! I must be the hottest!" Lanfear growls and grabs the ball, each of them holding on to an end and Lan leans forwards with a smirk,

"Don't worry, you're the hottest."

"Really!" The distraction is enough for 'Elayne' to slip away and tumble into the end zone.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" The crowd yells in unison with Berelain and Min as Myrelle is kicked numerous times in the face by uncontrollable feet and Thom and Noal slam their viagra cases together in a toast of victory.

"Elayne, you did it!" Aviendha leaps into 'Elayne's arms as Rahvin finally stumbles to his feet and begins limping after Olver, but Olver points towards the field,

"Shouldn't you be commentating! They just scored! And…are sisters allowed to do that?" Rahvin looks over his shoulder and shrugs,

"I still don't understand if their 'really' sisters or not…"

Both sides of the crowd are in hysteria, for numerous reasons, but as a certain red haired snoot is escorted onto the field by her Andorman drawn carriage, all becomes quiet.

"And why is everyone chanting my name as if I'm important!" Elayne asks with her nose held high and everyone turns towards the 'Elayne' who holds Aviendha inappropriately. Aviendha gasps offended, an Aiel actually offended, and scurries away, looking from one to the other, wondering why her bra is unclasped.

"Well, well, this is interesting." Rand says, looking down at his lap and Gawyn puts on his glasses and looks from one to the other,

"Did I always have two sisters?"

"Ummm, I can explain…" 'Elayne' says with a masculine giggle and reaches up to her face, grasping rubber and the crowd gasps as one,

"MAT!"

"We've been ogling our fearless leader all this time, UGH!" Talmanes and the "Red, tired Hands" all pull their pants up guiltily.

"Woah, I gotta take a seat." Rahvin says, plopping back in his chair and Bair smiles at him, her wrinkles scraping against each other,

"Can I sit next to you?"

"HELL NO!"

"What the hell have you done!" Moraine rushes onto the field, from her LONG absence, joining the mob of women surrounding poor little Matrim, including Beslan who stands behind him embarrassed,

"Good thing you revealed yourself, cuz I was about to do something inappropriate…"

"Hol up! My daddy is my mommy too! I'm gonna get picked on even more now!" Olver sobs, his head spinning crazily as Rahvin spins him around by his big dumbo ears,

"You get picked on for being an ugly ass kid!"

"But I got you guys your power back! The exhilaration of touching the rushing torrent in the shower or however it goes!" Mat explains through terror filled stammers as Leane picks up a baseball bat and Aviendha veils herself, "And you snuck off the field, Moraine, how can you be upset?"

"I'm me, duh!"

"As if we needed a MAN to help us?" Cadsuane yells infuriated and Kiruna punches her closed fist into her palm,

"We could forgive that womanizer Galad, but not you!"

"C'mon, I'm a nice guy! I did it for you guys!" Mat demands and Alanna glares and snaps her fingers,

"Kill him!" Birgitte rushes off the field as the female channellers from the crowd join the two teams, chasing Mat from end of the field to the other, and back again, the poor boy screaming like a biznatch.

"Well, there you have it folks, here at the Field of Lances, the game comes to an end in the way we figured it would, the ladies angry at whatever happens, whether its good or bad, except when their smoothing their dresses or smiling at the one guy everyone wants…Galad, you bastard! Now I give you Else, talking to the coaches and what not." Rahvin sits back and cradles his damaged goods, wondering if it'll heal right.

"Well, Rand, how do you feel about the conclusion?" Else asks and Rand looks from the mic and back to his suitcase as he continues packing, throwing whatever he needs for the long trip to Shara,

"Stupid Mat has ruined this for all us men, and now it's going to be ten times the man-hating on this side of the anti-chivalry world. There are going to be many deaths and I'm getting the fuck out of here! Peace, yo!" Rand jumps in his Escalade behind Davram and Elyas floors the shiat out of the chaos, running over Sumeko's wheel chair in the process.

Else quickly rushes over to Moridin who stands on the sidelines laughing his ass off as he watches Mat's fate,

"Uh, Moridin, how do you feel about the loss?"

"Loss! You do realize I had like five players at the end there? Fuckin Rand had two of my players eatin by wolves, and the other just dropped out dead! (Logain clears his throat and looks around innocently) Do you see my sweatin, naw, Babe, we gotta see these women run around half naked in costumes I hand-picked, bettered only if there had been mud, PLUS gotta see some Gatorade escapades, and to top it off, I've got Melaine and Tylin waiting in my car!"

"What do you think about Mat and what he did?" Else asks, now snuggled against Moridin's chest with his arm around her shoulder,

"I think he's an idiot for revealing himself before the locker room! What a dumbass! He had it going perfect for him, and as we all knew he would, he messed it up. I guess he gave up Half the Light of the World by uh…surrendering half his rights as a man by getting breast implants, but hell, at least he still has left eye—nope, my bad, Semirhage just poked it out."


End file.
